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1.
I Care 02:33
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I care about what you think of me, lover Because you’re more valuable than anything I’ve ever possessed And I don’t possess you. Like water running through my fingers, Soon you’ll see I’m not the hero I am in my dreams I care about what you think of me, friend Because it’s not often I have someone I want to tell all this And I haven’t found a way to tell you Like a lump is in my throat You might hear how I’m more broken than I seem I care about what you think of me, acquaintance Because every perception of me can act as a drug or knife And I can’t control you. Like a blood hound, You might sniff out how I am not as nice as I seem I care about what you think of me, stranger Because I was taught that every judgment carries weight And I’m weighed down Like sack of rocks strung over my shoulder You each hold out another for me to collect
2.
Wondering 02:37
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I’ve walking around these streets alone Wondering where they go I’ve been thinking about these people I know Wondering where they go And I think Maybe I’ll go And I think Maybe I’ll go I’ve wondering if my thoughts have meaning I’ve been wondering if my words carry weight Because if the do I think I’ve got a problem for you If they do We might be done I’ve been laying in bed at 7pm Sleeping till I can bare to get up I’ve having dreams that keep me awake Becoming by own enemy And I’m afraid of the person that’s running my brain Lost in fear No door to get out
3.
and Mountain Dew 04:03
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In a hotel room in Barcelona, I cried memories into my mother’s collar bone. Thoughts of laughs and miles traveled, The time you stood up to those assholes, Of you and Mountain Dew In the back seat of my neighbor’s car Heavy breathes and whiskey vomit on my shorts Asking how much they miss you too Its been two years but it can’t be true You’re gone our time is through Gone too soon I’ll never know the way you felt Put my emotions on a shelf The earth is round and hard as hell Your tortured mind is gone as well But I still think of you and Mountain Dew Across the pews at church one Sunday I saw your dad and froze, there was nothing I could say Avoiding contact I fade away Im not ready for that today Im sorry I cant be brave You’re a grain in the desert/ and the only grain I want I never held you/ for more than a moment But suspended in my mind/ the wind took you away So I will have to wait and see if invisible forces can bring that grain back to me
4.
Queen Size 03:56
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5.
Saturday night, fight (feat. Michelle Lewis) 05:14
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Mental acrobats Twisting, distorting my way in and out of pain Feelings are a tricky thing Sometimes the horse pummels you How long did it take to find someone right? How short did it take to doubt you could be liked? I punched wooden doors and concrete walls I just can’t seem to fight them off In an emotional free for all Swinging till my knuckles are raw Presenting like a lake It won’t take long to see past a crystal, smooth surface to the scum and trash underneath How long did it take to find someone right? How short did it take to doubt you could be liked? I punched wooden doors and concrete walls I just can’t seem to fight them off In an emotional free for all Swinging till my knuckles are raw My affect is bright Though I walk through darkness I’ll use these liquored smiles, to hide for a while What kind of shield leaves you withered after a late night battle? Still I go back I punched wooden doors and concrete walls I just can’t seem to fight them off In an emotional free for all Swinging till my knuckles are raw

about

***All proceeds will be donated to Brain and Behavior Research Foundation and Project Semicolon***

Palette is a small collection of some of the first songs I ever wrote in the winter of 2018, (with the exception of Saturday night, fight. A special collaboration with Michelle Lewis). They are simple songs meant to be building blocks to more music and more expansive sounds in the future. Although I already look back and see lots of room for growth, I wanted to capture them in their simple, original form. Like a painting palette, I feel these songs are like colors that will be used to inform my future musical endeavors. They are various shades and hues that excite me for what they will lend me to in the future. These songs helped me explore and put words to my own mental health struggles. Good friends and fellow/future mental health professionals Josh Bird and Michelle Lewis contributed to this project in so many ways. For this reason I found it only fitting that as I try to expand the reach of these little songs, we also give back in the process.

So on behalf of myself, Michelle and Josh, I hope you are open to dropping whatever you seem fit to help us build a less stigmatized and more mentally healthy future. The Brain and Behavior Research Foundation is the nation’s top non-governmental funder of mental health research grants. Project Semicolon is an organization dedicated to the prevention of suicide.

These tunes are dedicated to Ryan Michlig. May he be sipping on Mountain Dews in heaven.

credits

released October 15, 2019

Album Artwork by Josh Bird, design by Michelle Lewis
Lyrics by Nick Utter
Guitar written and performed by Nick Utter and Michelle Lewis
Produced by Nick Utter and Michelle Lewis

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The Eurythmic King of Nowhere Madison, Wisconsin

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